Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Dont Be Scared, Mommy!

Yikes. My boys are 9 years part. You forget a lot in 9 years. When I was pregnant with squirdle, I never worried about anything. I would think, "Oh one more Dr Pepper won't hurt me." "I'm gaining enough weight." This swelling is normal." Umm... No. The Dr Pepper was not okay. The swelling was not normal, but I was gaining enough weight. I had Oceania. My sweet baby was born at 35 weeks and he was so small. But he thrived and grew and was perfect. (To me he still is) The delivery was scary and I had no comfort from any medical staff. Boy was I worried then!

 While pregnant with Boogie, I worried about everything. And I mean everything. I even worried about eating enough broccoli. And then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Yeah, I know. Shocked me too. But my doctor this time was amazing and my delivery was cake. The medical staff went above and beyond kindness. They were awesome.

 As I lay here tonight watching Boogie sleep, I worry again. Am I doing everything that needs to be done for him? Did I give him his vitamins today? Did he get my dry skin? Did squirdle have a good day in school? (he is with his dad) Do we have enough money to buy everything the boys need?

 Money is a constant worry. I am not employed and that hurts us. We live with my in laws, and while it's great and so helpful, it is not our ideal situation. I have applied for numerous jobs the past few weeks I check my phone obsessively to see if any of them have called. 

Honestly, I worry about working. What will I miss if I am not at home? What if I am needed? What if he rolls over or crawls or talks? What if we are both at work at the same time? So many thoughts keep me up at night. I know I am not the only one with these worries. I know I am not the only one scared of missing out.

 I worked when squirdle was a baby. Heck I have worked his whole life. I also went to college when he was 6. We made it. We survived. I think I can survive working through boogie's life, too. But do I want to? I m working on plans to be my own boss, and by working another job it will get me there sooner. I just hope I don't miss out on too much of the important stuff.

 I'm scared to be forgotten by my boys. I know that is irrational and stupid. But it's true. But then I look at either of them and they smile at me or hold me and I know it just won't happen. Their hugs tell me, "don't be scared, Mommy."